Safe With Me, Part 8 (The End) Read online

  “The children are eating breakfast….” She gasped, quietly. “Oh, this one’s my favorite. It looks like the sun’s in your eyes a little, but, oh, you’re such a nice looking couple. I still don’t understand why he insists on that long hair. Leona says they rarely visit the reservation—”

  “What?” There was so much wrong with what she just said, I didn’t know where to start. “He’s a grown man. He can make his own decisions about his hair length, regardless of his heritage. And why are you talking to Leona? You’ve never even met her.”

  “We chat sometimes. She’s very interested in the work we’re doing here. She’s thinking about organizing a short-term mission trip at her church to come here and help with…”

  I couldn’t pay attention to the mess of words coming out of her mouth. My thoughts were cluttered with the reality that, for the rest of my life, in addition to the lectures about how I needed to talk to my brother and sister, I would also hear about how I needed to talk to Tyler. How I’d given up the best thing that ever happened to me. Or, worst of all, that he’d moved on with someone else. Hopefully Lydia’s little virtual friendship with his mom would taper off quickly.

  “Susie, I just don’t understand why you did this. Why do you have to push everyone away? Can’t you just let yourself be happy for once?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Who says I’m not happy? And I told you already, it moved too fast with Tyler. I let myself get carried away. I should’ve realized he couldn’t handle certain things about me.”

  “I’m sure that’s just an excuse. Almost everyone has some kind of tragedy in their past. I want you to stop isolating yourself. Your mother would be so upset if she knew you were living such a guarded life.”

  “I’m not guarded.” I was just about to remind myself not to scream at her when I turned in the direction of the guy who walked in the living room, wearing a coat and carrying a duffle bag.

  “Hey Sue.” Caleb took a startled breath. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were on the phone.”

  “Hold on,” I said to Aunt Lydia, then covered the phone with my palm and turned to Caleb. “You leaving?”

  “Yeah. You sure he’s okay?”

  “I did what I could. If he gives you any problems, I’ll try to talk to him again.” I chuckled. “Man up. You can’t avoid him forever.”

  His eyes narrowed. “I still blame you for this.”

  “Yes, I know. I told him you were only doing what I asked.” It wasn’t necessarily Caleb’s fault for being a wuss. After we returned from Thanksgiving, Tyler and I recounted the tale of his fight with his brother to his roommates, explaining the cuts and bruises all over his face. After Caleb read Tyler’s text message on Sunday, he came to my house instead of going straight home because he feared Tyler’s wrath. I still had no idea what the message said.

  He smirked. “Alright. I’m headin’ over. I might come back.”

  We waved goodbye to each other as he went out the door. Although I thought he needed to man up, I took full responsibility. I panicked when I saw what Tyler had inside that bag. How was I to know he would set foot in a porn shop that day, of all days? To me, it was no coincidence. I considered it confirmation that I made the right decision, even if that decision tore me apart inside.

  I put the phone back to my ear, feeling a little calmer than when I spoke to her before. “I’m back.”

  Her words were rushed. “Was that a man’s voice I heard? Was it Tyler?”

  “No, it was his roommate. He slept in one of the spare bedrooms last night—”

  “His roommate? Why is he sleeping there? What are you doing in that house, Susie?”

  “What are you talking about? He needed a place to sleep for one night. So what?”

  “I think you misunderstood the purpose of me giving you that house.”

  I sat there in silence for a moment, baffled. This was unexpected. “I don’t know what you’re trying to say. I own this house. My name’s on the deed. I’ll do what I want.” Or, in other words, I didn’t give a shit about her purpose.

  Her voice was shaky. “I didn’t want you to waste that house on parties and transients. I wanted you to have roots. I thought you could do things like host holiday events for the whole family. There’s more than enough room for everyone to comfortably stay there for days. Your mother would have wanted that for you. It disappoints me that after all this time, you invited Ashley to visit but you won’t invite Matt or Tabitha. Or you’ll let a complete stranger spend the night but you don't talk to your own brother and sister.”

  I took a deep breath. “Why the hell would you say this to me right now? I’ve had a really shitty couple of days. I know you don’t like me cussing at you, and I’m sorry. But if you wanna talk about things that would’ve made Mom happy, how about not kicking me when I’m down? She probably wouldn’t like that.”

  “I am most assuredly not trying to kick you when you’re down. I fear that I’ve coddled you for too long. Perhaps this is all my fault.”

  “What the hell do you mean, coddled? I don’t think I’ve ever known a less coddled person than me.” It was suddenly the most wretched-sounding word I’d ever heard: coddled.

  “You have too much freedom. You’re the kind of girl who needs rules and structure.” She paused for a loud breath. “I think I’ll plan an extended visit when I attend your graduation. Maybe a month instead of two weeks.”

  “Uh…” My mind was reeling. “So, you’re gonna come here for a month because I need rules and structure? I don’t even wanna know how you think you’re gonna do that. I’m not a wayward teenager anymore.”

  “I just want what’s best for you. Your life is headed in the wrong direction.”

  “Why? Because I broke up with someone? Or because I had a house guest last night? You’re crazy. This is how you sounded when you had malaria. Why is everyone around me overreacting?”

  She paused, breathing loudly into the phone. “Susie, what are your plans after graduation?”

  God, I was tired of this. “I think I might turn the house into a brothel and grow weed in the basement.”

  Another loud breath. “Be serious, please. I only have your best interests at heart. You have no idea how much I pray for you. I always have.”

  “I’ll be fine. Stop worrying. I have to go. I love you.”

  She waited for a moment then softly said, “I love you, too.”

  My New Year’s resolution was to stop crying. I despised the way tears felt when they ran down my face. I’d broken my resolution several times already, and I was determined not to let it happen again. I wanted to scream and cry and throw my phone through a window.

  The only person who could make me feel better was the person I wanted most to avoid. I scrolled through my contacts to stare at his picture until he was too blurry to see. Then I put my phone down, wiped my face, and retrieved my bong from the closet. Yes, I would spend the night by myself, smoking, eating, and playing video games. There was still a lot of food leftover from the weekend I didn't have with Tyler. I hoped Caleb had left me some cheesecake.

  Tyler

  Friday, January 14, 2011

  7:40 PM

  “Across the road from the outlet mall?” Caleb asked.

  “No, it’s on the same side of the road. I’ll show you.”

  “Okay.”

  “And you better not try to take me to that strip club.” I glared at him, but he didn’t look over.

  He sighed. “Fine. The offer’s there if you change your mind.”

  I was in Caleb’s car, letting him drive me to the truck stop where I first ate dinner with Susie. He’d been kissing my ass all week, just trying to keep the peace, I guess. Honestly, I wasn’t that upset with him anymore. He hadn’t told our other roommates about Susie, so, at least I knew he was trustworthy. But, it was pretty fuckin’ funny to let him think I was still angry. I knew it wasn’t right but it made me feel a little better to mess with him. All week long, he’d offered to take me to
various strip clubs to try to get my mind off Susie. Tonight, he told me about a Friday special on pitchers of beer at a place called “Hot Tamales” but it wasn’t until he mentioned it was near the outlet mall that I was interested in going anywhere.

  I’d thought about going to that truck stop all week. I figured if I didn’t see Susie there, I might see Sherry, her waitress friend. Maybe she could help me somehow. Put in a good word. Enlighten me on something I didn’t know. Shit, I was desperate. It had only been a week since we broke up but each passing day was more agonizing than the last. I decided to try to ‘starve her out,’ as Michael put it, but it wasn’t working fast enough for me.

  Be patient. That’s what everyone said, including Mom, whose phone calls I avoided now more than ever. I didn’t need her trying to fix things for me. I didn’t even tell her we broke up. She heard about it from Susie’s aunt.

  Caleb came to a stop, the third car in line at a red light. “So, this place is pretty good?”

  “It’s okay.” We were about to cross the intersection when a black Jetta caught my eye. The car got a green light almost immediately. When it pulled forward, I saw Dan inside talking to someone beside him. My heart raced when they drove past us and I saw it was Susie. They appeared to be too engrossed in their conversation to notice us.

  Caleb’s head turned in the direction of Dan’s car as it went by. “Wanna follow ‘em?”

  I kept my voice calm and collected. “Uh-huh.”

  Caleb waited for a break in traffic. Then he made an illegal U-turn, barely missing the car in front of us. The tires let out a squeak as we hit the sidewalk on the other side of the street. Soon, we were following them, separated only by three cars. I could still see Dan’s taillights.

  “Sorry about this,” I said.

  “It’s all right, man. I’ve been there. You can’t help it. You just wanna know where she's going.”

  I chuckled. He was right. But I was also curious about what the fuck was up with her and Dan. I hadn’t seen much of him this week. I suspected he was busy comforting her. My instincts told me they had a secret friendship they went to great lengths to hide.

  I was only mildly worried about her fucking him that night. I knew she was having her period. It only lasted two days because of her birth control pills. I had the whole thing scheduled on a spreadsheet; it was a secret I was determined to carry to the grave.

  Regardless, she wouldn’t fuck Dan, would she? Or kiss him?

  Or take him in her mouth tonight?

  I’ve got to stop doing this to myself.

  Caleb peered up at the rearview mirror. “See any cops?”

  I briefly scanned the upcoming intersection. “No.” And then I watched him run a red light.

  We spoke few words to each other as we drove about three miles out of town. Caleb did a good job of letting a car cut in front of him once in a while so we could hang back, hopefully unnoticed.

  I groaned when I saw them turn off into a parking lot for a large church. A long line of cars were already waiting to park.

  Instead of pulling into the lot behind them, Caleb parked on the side of the road and cut off the engine.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked. “You afraid you might burst into flames if you go in there?”

  “I don’t go to church.”

  He shrugged. “We can just walk in and walk out. They might have some donuts or something. I’m hungry.”

  I tried to see their car but it was too dark and the parking lot was up on an embankment, making their taillights hard to distinguish. “I don’t know.”

  “Come on. I know you wanna see if they’re holdin’ hands or something.”

  “They’ll probably see us.”

  “Nah. See that sign? It’s some kinda worship concert. It’s crowded. They’ll never see us.”

  Cars were still slowing down to enter the parking lot. “Crowded, huh?”

  “Yeah. No big deal. Just go in, get a look at her and leave.” He chuckled. “I love church. First time I ever put my hand up a girl’s skirt was at church. I was thirteen. She was fifteen. Best fuckin’ day of my life.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That’s a heartwarming story, Caleb.”

  He nodded and gave my arm a playful slap. “So, we goin’ in?”

  “Yeah. Give me a minute.” I sighed and reached into my pocket for an elastic band to pull my hair back and tuck it under my coat in yet another feeble attempt to be incognito.

  Why was I doing this? I don’t know. Morbid curiosity, I think. Why was she at church with Dan on a Friday night? Her connection to church was puzzling to me. Hell, her connection to Dan was just as puzzling.

  We got out of the car and crossed the road, careful to analyze the people filtering into the church from the parking lot. I didn’t see Dan or Susie. The sound of a band playing and people singing got louder the closer we got to the building.

  The air outside was crisp, just cold enough to remind me of our dates in the fall. I loved those simple things like when we were waiting in line somewhere outside and I wrapped her in my arms, using the excuse of keeping her warm, all the while thinking about what I was gonna do the next time I got in her bed. Fuck, how did I go from that to walking inside a church with Caleb Rogers on a Friday night just to get a glimpse of her?

  This was pure bullshit. I had to win her back. Maybe that was the real reason I was walking inside that weird, flat building that looked more like a warehouse than a church. Maybe it held the secret to winning her back.

  We walked inside past two smiling teenage girls who handed us programs. I folded mine up in my pocket to be thrown away later.

  We were a few feet inside the door when Caleb lifted his eyebrows and said, “Slow down. I see ‘em up there.”

  It took a moment, but I saw the backs of their heads in the midst of the meandering crowd. And since there were cookies and other snacks at a nearby table, I kept an eye on Susie and Dan as Caleb chomped his way through a handful of cookies in record time. He pulled a dollar out of his pocket to put in a little donation jar.

  He was still chewing when he waved me along to walk down the hall.

  There weren’t many empty chairs left inside. A guy who had just been singing asked everyone to have a seat for a moment. Caleb spotted Susie sitting at the end of a row, with Dan to her left.

  We found two empty seats in the middle of a row several rows behind them, to their right, separated by an aisle. I was afraid to sit so close, but my fears were quickly alleviated. There were enough people walking to let us slip in, undetected. To get a clear look at them, I had to crane my neck a certain way and wait for a lady with curly brown hair to turn her head.

  The guy on stage told everyone to bow their heads in prayer. Caleb did, or at least he acted like he did. Susie and Dan both complied. I didn’t.

  When that was over, everybody stood up again for a song. The music actually wasn’t that bad. It was kind of like being at a rock concert, except the lyrics were on a giant screen for everyone to sing along and the crowd was way too happy to be there. There was a lot of cheering and clapping and people lifting their hands in the air. I’d never seen anything like it before. I kept trying to get a clear look at Susie but with the people around me moving so much, it was a struggle.

  Caleb either knew some of these songs or he was a great actor. I just stood still with my hands in my pockets, but he was clapping and singing like he belonged there. I could tell by the stupid look on his face that he was just doing it to be a jackass.

  After a few songs, the guy on stage told everyone to sit down because they were going to play a slow song. He said, “Be still. Think about these words. Imagine yourself at the throne of the Most High, singing praises just like these.”

  Yeah, I wanted to run the fuck out of there.

  As soon as the song started, the lady with curly brown hair said something to the man next to her, then got up and left in a hurry. I now had a clear line of vision, and I didn’t like what I saw. Dan’s arm was
around her shoulders, holding her tight. I watched her head fall down slowly, relaxing against his shoulder. They seemed much closer than friends. Were they dating? Was this going on behind my back when we were together? Would I go to hell for kicking Dan Lafferty’s ass inside a church?

  Seeing her with someone else was a million times worse than I expected, but seeing her with Dan added insult to injury, and I wasn't sure exactly why. Didn’t really feel like analyzing it, either. I just wanted to break his fucking neck.

  As if he could somehow hear my violent thoughts, he started to peer around the room as if he were trying to locate a distant sound.

  My blood was boiling too much to even try to look away. I just sat there glaring at him, not expecting him to look back and see me.